You & Me

Over the years I blamed you.

I questioned you.

There were times when your tests agitated me.

I fought.

I shouted, "Why me?"

I tried to understand you, your ways.

But I was incapable.

Then came a day I screamed "Leave me alone"

A day when I turned you away, shunned you.

But you never left my side.

You just smiled.

You knew Ill come around.

You had faith in me.

Shamefaced, I came back.

You just smiled.

You in all your glory embraced me.

Into your extended open hand I put mine. You are my guide.

I understand.

In you I trust.

Contradictions

I travel alone. I talk to strangers.

I have numerous friends. I am not afraid of being by myself.

I know what I want. I go after what I desire.

I am uninhibited.

I love my family. I am my mother’s daughter.

I won’t let a guest go hungry.

I love with all my heart. I am committed.

I never compromise. I rebound quickly.

I work hard. I party loud.

I have my own money. I buy my own diamonds.

I live for myself. I walk with everyone.

I care.

I am independent.

Misconception

And towards the unknown I walk
You look at me and see no fear
My gait is steady and my face determined
I turn back to look at you
The admiration in your eyes leaves me speechless

I am in awe of you!
Yet… there you stand looking at me…

Without a word into the abyss I disappear.

I am strong.
I am capable
In my abilities I have faith.
I have no doubt.

I show you nothing.

If only you had looked me in the eye…
You would have seen the questions I had
If only you had felt my heart…
You would have known the apprehensions

If only you had let me speak…
You would have heard; I need to hold on,
I am human.

Change...

People change. That is the accepted truth of life.

When I was a little girl in school my teachers told me that change is the only constant in our life. We had great discussions in class on how we would never change, we will always be best friends, and how we will always be who we are.

As we grew up the discussions began to change and talked about 'selective change'. You change what you don't like but remain who you are. A few elements of your personality changes but you can’t change a person completely, your values, your understanding, your morals, your quirks, what you believe in, all that makes you "YOU" will NEVER change.

How naive and innocent we were! "All that makes you "YOU" will NEVER change."

But what did we know. We didn't even know who we were. What were our quirks? What did we truly believe in? We knew nothing about the world that lay outside the protected walls of our childhood.

As time passed we learnt the art of diplomacy, we learnt how to compromise, we learnt to let others take over for love, and we learnt to walk over someone in order to succeed. We resisted, we never truly accepted it but we changed.

Some of us became unrecognisable by those who knew us best.

I am not making judgements or taking sides. I am merely stating a fact; we changed. We changed a lot. Some of us changed completely.

In the years gone by it’s become my understanding that you can never change a 'part' of a personality without affected the whole person. Again it is not a judgement but a fact I state.

It is difficult to accept what you thought would never happen. It is difficult to see those close to you become unrecognisable.

Good or bad, change suddenly becomes a reality that you just don't want to embrace or accept. This is you, these are your friends. We never change. We cannot change.

You feel lost. And suddenly you are judging people. You lash out. You accuse, you fight.

Then you try and hold on to the past tightly. You grip tightly on to your idea of the truth. Its chaos...You won’t let go.

Don't. Don't hold on.

Let it go.

I share this because I have changed. I share this because many who I knew intimately have changed. Changed so much that I have to cock my head on one side, peer at their faces, rack my memory and then, 'Ah!' its hits me. That is my friend. I knew her well once. Yes it is her.

A part of me is annoyed, agitated with the change. I am angry with the unfamiliarity of a once familiar face. How can someone change so much? It's like I never knew her/him.

And just as suddenly there is someone else in my head and she smiles and says, "Oh great! Let’s make a new friend!"

"I knew you once. It was fun.

I would love to know you again.

I think it will be fun."

Oasis Don't Go Away...

A Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
As the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
And I wanna be there when you're...
Coming down
And I wanna be there when you hit the ground
So don't go away say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day...in the time of my life
Cos I need more time yes I need more time
Just to make things right
Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
About all the things caught in my mind
Me and you what's going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong

Today

Today - I woke up to the warm kiss of the morning sun

Today - A long forgotten smell was revisited

That day - the sun was out and the warm glow covered the land

That day - the air was filled with the smell of the freshly washed trees

That day - the world was beautiful, I felt blessed

Yesterday - It rained

Yesterday - I missed the sun

Yesterday - I watched the day as it slowly passed me by

Today - that long forgotten smell was revisited

Today - that often repeated joke was remembered

Today - I smile, that absent minded smile,

one which has no reason;

Yet, so many.

Sleepless..

Can a mistake make you smile?

If it makes you smile, is it a mistake?

Now this is just a random thought that crossed my mind a few nights ago and suddenly with time at my hands I decided to write it here.

The thing is that a few weeks ago I went through this phase where I just couldn’t sleep. My body was tired and lazy but my mind kept racing ahead. Thinking about everything under the sun, from the Jan Lokpal Bill to the trouble in Libya... From what all I knew and all that I didn’t. All that I wanted to know and all that I cared nothing about. I thought about this world and my contribution to it.

The world wasn’t the only thing keeping me awake late into the night; I kept myself awake. I spent hours thinking about what all I have done in life, what I haven’t. I thought about all that I have gained and who I lost.

I thought about the regrets that I never knew I had and the forgiveness I believed I was incapable of showing.

I thought and I learnt.

I thought about the friends, the lovers and the heartbreaks. I thought about the achievements and the failures. I thought of everything that made me proud and things that ashamed me.

I thought about my father and all that I wouldn’t be able to share with him and I thought about how maybe somehow I am sharing it all because somehow he knows, he is still listening.

I thought and I realized.

I thought about what I was running away from and why. I thought about what I want to do and what I want to give. I thought about family and I thought about love. I thought about me, ten years from now.

Sleepless night after sleepless nights, I thought and awoke with a new discovery.

It’s been a while since the phase and I sleep well, but on some days in the silent darkness of the night I am still thinking what makes my world mine.

I am everything you thought of but know nothing about. And now it’s too late.

You can hear me in your head and everyday you drown my words.

You had everything to lose, and you did.

In your own way you created me and it is only by your hands that I will be vanquished.

I am your hope and your nemesis.

I am your dream and your nightmare.

Love

The breeze is strong.

The smell of the ocean is overpowering but delicious.

As she walks she feels the wet sand beneath her feet.

Something makes her stop and she looks over her shoulder and watches as the tide washes away her footprints.

Alone in that moment she realises, the past is but the past, erased by the tide and the path ahead is still to be walked...

In the ocean breeze she can hear his voice. He is telling her to be careful, be safe. She looks around.

A smile. And a shake of the head, she walks ahead.

Ahead in the cottage the lights are on and she can hear her favourite song. Her feet begin to tap.

An achievement and a celebration.

He really does know it all :)

SMILEEE

There is nothing as simple and honest as the smile of a child.

Photo Courtesy: Ken Carl

I have always loved being with children for a whole lot of selfish reasons. They make me happy with their uncomplicated chatter, they hold no malice, they love chocolates and sweets, cartoons still fascinate them, they help you find joy in simple things and they allow me to never grow up :)

If I ever get stressed at work or saddened by events in my personal life I run to Latika Vihar. Its one place where you can drown everything out and just have fun! I paint, I dance, I run around or I can just sit and read out stories to anyone who cares to listen. I can remain quiet and let the children tell me their stories.

They know no fear, their imagination has no boundaries and their love is without limits. I love children because with them I can believe in pixies and fairies again. I love them because without knowing they make the real world better.

I wish and pray that one day every state, every city and every country will have a Latika Vihar. Because sometime just the thought that a place like this exists is enough. I hope for this not just for the creative development of the child, but I hope for it for us, the adults who have forgotten what life truly is about and how simple it really is to smile.

Unexpected.

Unexpected, out of the blue.

Silent prayers were washed away by spoken words.

From the sidelines an onlooker in my own life

I am angry.

I understand.

Sometimes that which makes no sense, is truly the only path to take.

I wish I had said the unreasonable

I wish I had pushed the door instead of waiting for the window to open

If you had more faith

or we more strength

I am angry.

I understand.

I wish I didn't.

Friend's Speak: Invictus

The poem below was shared (read out) from 'saat samundar paar' by my friend as he felt I needed a little inspiration. As soon as I heard this poem I absolutely loved it. It ‘re’-reminds me of the undying human spirit and in our capability to endure, fight and survive. It reminds me that at the end of it all how my life turns out and what becomes of me, is up to ME

Thanks Sood, you are the best 'annual' buddy one can ask for :)

INVICTUS by William Earnest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Unanswered questions

Unsaid words

Images that stay

Smells that linger

Unpredictable, volatile

Subdued, subtle

That's me, That's my life...

24 hours in a day and every hour a different colour…

From the burnt orange of the morning to the immense black of the night

From that golden morning tea to the deep crimson of the wine at dinner

24 hours: endless words that my heart whispers to me

24 hours: my head fights for supremacy

24 hours: the smile stays

24 hours: the fears don’t subside

24 hours: a song stays stuck

24 hours: deliberations, discussions

24 hours….

My life: A canvas in which together we fill colours…

Many people I know think I am too optimistic, sometimes unrealistically so, and as always they have their reasons...

"You have had a good childhood",

"Acchi education mili hai",

"You have always had adequate money",

“You have never really experienced real pain",

"You don’t understand rejection"...

I usually shrug it off, you know, ‘to each his own’. But then sometimes, in life's rare moments I don’t feel like shrugging it off. After all I am human; I need the distance to close. Sometimes the ground beneath my feet too can get unsteady.

Sometimes I want to be selfish because; sometimes I need that hug or that encouraging smile.

There are moments when I need that shoulder to lean on.

Sometimes I don’t want to be the one holding you, I want someone to hold me. Sometimes I need someone to be my reason to smile, to be my strength...

Just sometimes…

And then there are moments when the only reason I want to share my pain is to let that someone who is hurting know that I understand, at least partly.

I want to tell them that though at the moment the pain is overwhelming and may never truly disappear, life will move on and it will be beautiful. And that YES it is definitely worth the effort and that everything may never be the same but it will be more than okay, one day.

I want them to know that it is okay to hurt. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to sleep with the lights on, but it is not okay to stop living. It is not ok to stop laughing and it is not ok to stop believing....

Believe life is beautiful.

Believe true love exists.

Believe people can change.

Believe in the greater good.

And no, I am NOT an optimist because life has been smooth, I am NOT an optimist because I have never had my heart broken, I am NOT an optimistic because I don’t know what loss is.

I am optimistic despite knowing and feeling the loss, the heart ache and the tears...

I have had my heart ripped out and stomped upon more than once.

I have been made fun of by those I called friends several times.

I have been the 'odd-one-out' for years.

I have lost more than a friend or a lover.

I have felt unwanted, been a failure.

I have disappointed and have been disappointed and despite it all I smile.

Despite it all I believe.

We all face challenges in life, we are all pushed and shoved and tested but we must never forget that as human's what we have is our spirit - to fight, to hang on, to love and to live.

You have one life, one life alone, and it’s your decision to make it what you want. It is up to you whether this is 'the end' or a 'new beginning'.

Believe what you want but the truth is life never stops.

Pay your tribute and the move on.

I am not heartless, I feel pain but I also realize that moving on is NOT about forgetting, it is about accepting.

Accepting that some things were never meant to be.

Accepting your mistakes so that you can rectify them.

Accepting your weakness so that you can see your true potential.

Accepting what you are so you may become who you want.

Accept the loss only then can you move on.

Accept that there will be days when you will not even remember the who, the what and the why and accept that there will be days when everything will be so fresh and real, as if you are reliving the moment all over again.

Accept how you feel only then can you heal.

Accept and don't feel guilty

Accept that the joy will return and that NO-ONE DESERVES IT MORE THAN YOU....

Lyrics: Sweet Child of Mine...

One of my all time favourite songs... the best love song ever written...

This would work! Anytime :)

GNR SWEET CHILD OF MINE (courtesy http://www.lyrics007.com)

She's got a smile that it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories

Where everything

Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face

She takes me away to that special place

And if I'd stare too long

I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine

Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies

As if they thought of rain

I hate to look into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place

Where as a child I'd hide

And pray for the thunder

And the rain

To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine

Sweet love of mine

Where do we go

Where do we go now

Where do we go

Sweet child o' mine

Marooned…in the horizon a ship sets sail…
Marooned…
A broken compass. A watch that doesn’t tell time.
Marooned…
an ocean ahead yet no water to quench my thirst.
A stale sandwich.
A pen without ink.
Marooned… a rescue boat but no one to be rescued…
Ah! The irony called life…
Give your best performance. Hear the applause.
The curtain falls. Take a bow…
Ah! The joy called life…

One moment

In my earlier post I talked about moments that made 2010. Seems like the enchantment of moments has not yet left me because here I am talking about just that yet again!

It’s weird how sometimes you spend hours and years deciphering, understanding and relating to things and people that are so important to you and then BANG there is that one moment when none of it makes any sense...

Your entire life and all the hard work seem trivial or insignificant and NO, it doesn't have to be a moment of depression neither do I mean something horrible...

It’s just a moment..

It could be a smile that you got from that old beggar lady on the street,

The shimmering light you see up in the mountain...

Or a puppy you cuddled

It could be something you see every single day and never register, but today, just for that split second, it catches your eye and in that very instant life calls...

It could be the warmth of the hand you have held a thousand times

Or the one you hold for the first time...

It could be that song you sang when you were a child

The words of a friend

The look of a stranger

It could be that long lost yet memorable smell...

Just anything...

That one moment and you will never be the same again...

and it begins...

They say life is about the moments...

Moments that are so large that one can’t see anything beyond them

Moments so small that they may well be forgotten...

Life is all about the moments...

2010: 365 days of moments

365 days made of moments when decisions were made and broken

365 days made of moments when darkness engulfed everything around me

365 days made of moments when the smile didn't stop...

Moments where I discovered who I really am because I changed

Moments where I refused to let go

Moments when I learnt to move on

Moments where concepts of love were shattered only to be redefined

Moments when who I am was less important than what I can be

Moments when limits defined were erased

2010: The year I lived.

This is the year when my heart bled as I watched many walk away

The year when pain long held was washed away

This is the year I lost love

The year I found love

This is the year when I discovered betrayal

The year when true friendship found its way

This is the year I learnt about limits

The year I discovered the power of faith

This is the year I realized the human spirit can endure all…

2010: The year that was full of peaks and valleys

IF there was love THEN there was heartbreak

There was loss BUT also self discovery

IF there was joy THEN there were endless tears

The dark night came BUT the moon shone with all its brilliance

IF there was sunrise THEN there was sunset

The afternoon was cold BUT the warm winter sun never left my face...

Life is all about the moments...

Moments that made 2010...

Moments that will make 2011...

It ends only to begin...

2011 Happy New Year