You & Me

Over the years I blamed you.

I questioned you.

There were times when your tests agitated me.

I fought.

I shouted, "Why me?"

I tried to understand you, your ways.

But I was incapable.

Then came a day I screamed "Leave me alone"

A day when I turned you away, shunned you.

But you never left my side.

You just smiled.

You knew Ill come around.

You had faith in me.

Shamefaced, I came back.

You just smiled.

You in all your glory embraced me.

Into your extended open hand I put mine. You are my guide.

I understand.

In you I trust.

Contradictions

I travel alone. I talk to strangers.

I have numerous friends. I am not afraid of being by myself.

I know what I want. I go after what I desire.

I am uninhibited.

I love my family. I am my mother’s daughter.

I won’t let a guest go hungry.

I love with all my heart. I am committed.

I never compromise. I rebound quickly.

I work hard. I party loud.

I have my own money. I buy my own diamonds.

I live for myself. I walk with everyone.

I care.

I am independent.

Misconception

And towards the unknown I walk
You look at me and see no fear
My gait is steady and my face determined
I turn back to look at you
The admiration in your eyes leaves me speechless

I am in awe of you!
Yet… there you stand looking at me…

Without a word into the abyss I disappear.

I am strong.
I am capable
In my abilities I have faith.
I have no doubt.

I show you nothing.

If only you had looked me in the eye…
You would have seen the questions I had
If only you had felt my heart…
You would have known the apprehensions

If only you had let me speak…
You would have heard; I need to hold on,
I am human.

Change...

People change. That is the accepted truth of life.

When I was a little girl in school my teachers told me that change is the only constant in our life. We had great discussions in class on how we would never change, we will always be best friends, and how we will always be who we are.

As we grew up the discussions began to change and talked about 'selective change'. You change what you don't like but remain who you are. A few elements of your personality changes but you can’t change a person completely, your values, your understanding, your morals, your quirks, what you believe in, all that makes you "YOU" will NEVER change.

How naive and innocent we were! "All that makes you "YOU" will NEVER change."

But what did we know. We didn't even know who we were. What were our quirks? What did we truly believe in? We knew nothing about the world that lay outside the protected walls of our childhood.

As time passed we learnt the art of diplomacy, we learnt how to compromise, we learnt to let others take over for love, and we learnt to walk over someone in order to succeed. We resisted, we never truly accepted it but we changed.

Some of us became unrecognisable by those who knew us best.

I am not making judgements or taking sides. I am merely stating a fact; we changed. We changed a lot. Some of us changed completely.

In the years gone by it’s become my understanding that you can never change a 'part' of a personality without affected the whole person. Again it is not a judgement but a fact I state.

It is difficult to accept what you thought would never happen. It is difficult to see those close to you become unrecognisable.

Good or bad, change suddenly becomes a reality that you just don't want to embrace or accept. This is you, these are your friends. We never change. We cannot change.

You feel lost. And suddenly you are judging people. You lash out. You accuse, you fight.

Then you try and hold on to the past tightly. You grip tightly on to your idea of the truth. Its chaos...You won’t let go.

Don't. Don't hold on.

Let it go.

I share this because I have changed. I share this because many who I knew intimately have changed. Changed so much that I have to cock my head on one side, peer at their faces, rack my memory and then, 'Ah!' its hits me. That is my friend. I knew her well once. Yes it is her.

A part of me is annoyed, agitated with the change. I am angry with the unfamiliarity of a once familiar face. How can someone change so much? It's like I never knew her/him.

And just as suddenly there is someone else in my head and she smiles and says, "Oh great! Let’s make a new friend!"

"I knew you once. It was fun.

I would love to know you again.

I think it will be fun."

Oasis Don't Go Away...

A Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
As the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
And I wanna be there when you're...
Coming down
And I wanna be there when you hit the ground
So don't go away say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day...in the time of my life
Cos I need more time yes I need more time
Just to make things right
Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
About all the things caught in my mind
Me and you what's going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong

Today

Today - I woke up to the warm kiss of the morning sun

Today - A long forgotten smell was revisited

That day - the sun was out and the warm glow covered the land

That day - the air was filled with the smell of the freshly washed trees

That day - the world was beautiful, I felt blessed

Yesterday - It rained

Yesterday - I missed the sun

Yesterday - I watched the day as it slowly passed me by

Today - that long forgotten smell was revisited

Today - that often repeated joke was remembered

Today - I smile, that absent minded smile,

one which has no reason;

Yet, so many.

Sleepless..

Can a mistake make you smile?

If it makes you smile, is it a mistake?

Now this is just a random thought that crossed my mind a few nights ago and suddenly with time at my hands I decided to write it here.

The thing is that a few weeks ago I went through this phase where I just couldn’t sleep. My body was tired and lazy but my mind kept racing ahead. Thinking about everything under the sun, from the Jan Lokpal Bill to the trouble in Libya... From what all I knew and all that I didn’t. All that I wanted to know and all that I cared nothing about. I thought about this world and my contribution to it.

The world wasn’t the only thing keeping me awake late into the night; I kept myself awake. I spent hours thinking about what all I have done in life, what I haven’t. I thought about all that I have gained and who I lost.

I thought about the regrets that I never knew I had and the forgiveness I believed I was incapable of showing.

I thought and I learnt.

I thought about the friends, the lovers and the heartbreaks. I thought about the achievements and the failures. I thought of everything that made me proud and things that ashamed me.

I thought about my father and all that I wouldn’t be able to share with him and I thought about how maybe somehow I am sharing it all because somehow he knows, he is still listening.

I thought and I realized.

I thought about what I was running away from and why. I thought about what I want to do and what I want to give. I thought about family and I thought about love. I thought about me, ten years from now.

Sleepless night after sleepless nights, I thought and awoke with a new discovery.

It’s been a while since the phase and I sleep well, but on some days in the silent darkness of the night I am still thinking what makes my world mine.